Good morning, God. Thank you for allowing me to experience another day. Give me the strength and knowledge I need to remember that all glory belongs to you. In the midst of my busyness, I sometimes forget that you are God. I forget to give you the thanks and praise you so rightly deserve. I […]
I let someone upset me. Yes, I realize that people will upset us in life, but I allowed someone to get me angry. I didn’t look to God for almost an hour and even when I did, it wasn’t for long.
I’m at work and our new supervisor was out at training. While he was out we had several emergencies that we handled in his absence. The end of the day approached and I provided him with a status update and informed him that I needed to leave for the day. While informing him that I was leaving I advised him that he needed to ask to be excused from the training that he was attending to free him to be involved in sorting out the emergencies. His response to me: “It is a problem that you can’t accommodate working additional hours and be a team player”. I didn’t remind him that I had already worked an additional hour. At the time of his writing I was already passed my closing time, trying to “help”. I responded: “Thank you for the kind words, as I am still here working.” I then closed my email with “Good Night”.
I was sinking…
I closed my computer and stormed out of the office. I drove home so angry that I talked to myself the entire time. I complained about his arrogance. I complained about him being a know-it-all. I complained and complained and complained. I didn’t realize how far I was going downhill. As I was driving something on the road hit my driver side door (which was just replaced, see my post). The hit was so hard that it caught me inside of my thoughts/rambling and I realized that I had not spoken with God. I did not discuss the issue with Him and that I was acting unseemly. I was irrational. I didn’t even notice that I was hyperventilating. I decided that it was time to calm down. I asked God to help me. That was my prayer “help me”. I was not yet ready to pray and I knew that I needed God to help me get there.
I arrived at home and immediately informed everyone that I had had a terrible day at work. Not really but the last hour was horrible. I asked to be left alone to myself. Everyone asked me to talk about it, but I didn’t want to get upset again. I tried resting. I tried playing a game on my phone. I ate. Ultimately, my mood spread around the house and you could feel the heaviness. Fast forward through the evening, my family is very familiar with depression and thankfully, they seek ways of cheering people up. We actually started laughing at my frowning faces. I needed this feeling to lift. I thank God for my family helping, but I every hour or so I would blurt out, “I’m so mad!” My family, a little tired of the ranting, would respond, “We know”. Were they telling me to shut up?
Take it to God!
I decided that we should have prayer. Everyone had a big day the next day, interviews, meetings and such were scheduled to happen. We gathered around and we had a good prayer. We gave everything to God and although I didn’t mention what I was dealing with, I prayed for the workplace and for God’s Will to rule in it.
I woke up refreshed and ready for the day. I showered and dressed to impress and headed out of the door. Naturally, the way that my life is set up I made my everyday call to my grandparents only to learn that they are both sick. I quickly prayed to God on their behalf and continued in to work. I prayed for the day and listened to my gospel music and decided that I wanted the law of kindness on my lips. That’s it, no more depression! I will enjoy this day! When I arrived at work a co-worker stuck up the conversation regarding yesterday’s event
Just like that, it’s back!
I started up all over again! I thought I was over it. I prayed about this thing. Here I was complaining again. I thank God. I didn’t get too worked up, but my feeling was now on the downside. I wanted to frown again and I did. My boss came in and I wanted him to see me frowning so that he would understand that his supervisor offended me. I attended a meeting where I felt like my role was completely minimized and diminished and my heart sank deeper again. Thoughts swirled through my head, “no one values me” and “why am I even here?” I return to my work station with a depressed feeling. I don’t want to feel this way and a part of me embraces it. I want to really feel victorious and rise above this situation. How do I feel better when the situation hasn’t been resolved?
Act Like a Big Girl!
I need to grow up. I’ve been hit by harder problems. The truth is I’m dealing with greater issues right now. I’ve been ostracized and rejected and conquered those issues. God has brought me through situations that I thought that I’d never make it through. Why did I let this get to me so bad? Out of the blue, one of my favorite co-workers reached out to me and made my day! I jumped up with excitement. Since I started feeling better, this problem is still on my mind, but I’m giving my thoughts to God in prayer. I’m asking God to help me.
I’ve contacted human resources because unfortunately, I’m certain that this issue has escalated already. Now I’m waiting while in the storm. God will get me through this. I just have to be willing to stop depression in its tracks. Many of us go from mild to severe depression too much of the time. Don’t mess up like I did. Catch yourself in the mild state of depression. Go to God and give Him the problem. Get around some people who care to see you happy. Do something that will get you up and about. Don’t allow depression to set in. It can take something small to let something big into your life. I could have allowed this situation to cost me my job, which would have been detrimental to my family.
So I messed up yesterday, but I’m once again determined to have a good day today!
Psalm 142 King James Version (KJV)
142 I cried unto the Lord with my voice; with my voice unto the Lord did I make my supplication.
2 I poured out my complaint before him; I shewed before him my trouble.
3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path. In the way wherein I walked have they privily laid a snare for me.
4 I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.
5 I cried unto thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living.
6 Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low: deliver me from my persecutors; for they are stronger than I.
7 Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise thy name: the righteous shall compass me about; for thou shalt deal bountifully with me.
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In my past I was known for telling people “off”. It was my reputation. Living with this sin right beside me I took pride in being able to hurt people with my words. I did not realize that one day I would deal with the consequence of “not caring” how others took my words. To add, I didn’t realize that hurtful words would come from different people or rather, from those that I would not expect it from.
In response to my “receiving” what I had given out so often, I developed a tough skin. I convinced myself that words just wouldn’t hurt me. I built a wall around myself and kept going. What did hurt were the relationships that died as result of the words being exchanged. I could forgive someone for the things that they had said and I could ask for forgiveness for the things that I said, but relationships were stalled or left for dead thereafter.
I lost precious years with a dear loved one because neither of us knew the right “words” to say to one another. We loved each other but we spent too much time saying ugly words to one another. I made the decision to stay away from my relative and not deal with the situation because I felt that neither of us was willing to change.
During this time apart, we both went on with our lives. We both grew closer to God, but not closer to each other. I learned, coincidentally, and by way of other stalled relationships that my telling people “off”, wasn’t working. God was showing me the damage that was being caused. God began to show me the hearts that were left broken, the lives that weren’t being changed for the better. I began to recognize that if a person will ever change for the better, it had to be done in love.
The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3
God uses love when dealing with us. I had to stop and think about this. The most powerful being on earth uses love to compel us, convince us, to help us understand and to bring us closer to Him. I’m human without the power to give life, take life, cause the sun to shine or the rain to fall. I needed to follow God’s example to me.
Be ye angry, and sin not… Ephesians 4:26a
God had begun to make it very clear that it was time for me to do better in this area of my life. Now I had to deal with the consequences. The first thing were the trials. Our trials build character and patience. During each trial, our job is to resist the temptation so that we overcome it. I started enduring a lot of disrespect and I had to learn how to respond to it. What words would bring peace to the situation? How do I explain myself without hurting the person attacking me? What do I say Lord? I still say these prayers.
As I grew stronger with every trial, God saw fit to reunite me with my loved one. We reconnected as if no time had come between us. We connected in a new way and it was a blessing to both of us. Unfortunately, our time was short. We had 1 year together and God decided that it was time for my loved one to rest. My heart feels this loss every single day.
Since that time I’ve continued to have words hurled at me. Up until today, I’ve had people feel that they are telling me “off”. I’ve learned to pray and pattern my words so that I am not the attacker. I’ve learned to love my enemies, bless them that curse me, do good to them that hate me, and pray for them that despitefully use me and persecute me. Matthew 5:44
I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt, because IT HURTS. Especially when those words eat away at a relationship. It’s different from a stranger, but it hurts when it comes from those you love, those you never expected it from, those that you may have never spoken a horrible word to ever in your life.
What I can tell you is what I’ve learned…Hold on to God’s hand in your situation. Pray about it, cry out to God about it. Allow God to comfort you and whatever you do…don’t return 1 bad word. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of giving someone a “piece of your mind”. Don’t let someone else encourage you to do anything that isn’t from a loving heart. It won’t pay. It won’t benefit you. It won’t help the situation, it will only create distance, bitterness and hurt. Instead, repair the bridge that the other person is tearing apart.
God will take care of you and bless you…just wait and see.